If the usual legal disclaimers tend to leaves a bad taste in your mouth, you might prefer this one:

DISCLAIMER (I MEAN IT): This program and documentation reflects the thoughts, opinions, ideas, and body odor of myself; it does not reflect the thoughts, opinions, ideas, and/or body odor of my company, my friends, my neighbors, my fish, my roses, my dog, or my trash. All rights reserved, all lefts reserved. This software is subject to change without notice. Bits are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual software, running or hung, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Forget the dog, beware of owner. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. Type hard, you are making five copies. This software is a void pointer to null where prohibited, protected, declared private, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Software is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied. User assumes all liabilities. Not liable for damages due to use or misuse or inability to understand. An equal opportunity electron employer. No shirt, no shoes, no software. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Falling bridge. London bridge is falling down, falling down, help, I've fallen and I can't get up. Quality may vary. Since software is hand-crafted, there will be slight differences in each object. If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. No Parking. No Standing. No Solicitors. No Spitting. No Kidding. Posted no Bills. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies please. Parental Advisory - explicit source code. No one under 17 admitted. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children. Limit one per family. No money down. No purchase necessary. Cache and carry. You do not need to be present to win. Odds of winning depends on how much you spend. Some assembly and C++ required. Batteries not included. Action figures sold separately. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. Ring bell for service. All models are over 18 years of age. Available in fine shoe stores everywhere. Small parts can present a choking hazard to children of parents who do not think before giving them toys. Take a number please. Product has not been tested by the FDA. Preservatives added to improve freshness. Safety goggles must be worn at all times. Hard hat area. Sealed for your protection. The buss stops here. Call before you dig. Add toner. Sanitized for your protection. Place stamp here. How about a nice game of chess? EXTERN use only. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use and consult your magic eight ball. Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures. Store in a cool dry place. Refrigerate after opening. Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes. Avoid contact with eyes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Use correct line voltage. If this software begins to smoke, run, do not walk, towards the nearest exit. Do not place near any magnetic source. Smoking this software may be hazardous to your health. Stop playing with that atomic pile. You are not in Kansas any more. I/O, I/O, its off to work I go. Slippery when wet. Do not exceed recommended daily allowance. For office use only. Not affiliated with the CIA. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. A proud sponsor of the local chapter of the old hackers home. Code used in this software was made from 100% recycled electrons. No left turn. No right turn. No u-turn. No outlet. No inlet. How the hell did you get here anyways? Prosecutors will be violated. No animals were used to test the runtime performance of this software. No extra salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. If symptoms persist, delete yourself immediately. If you suspect an overloaded operator, destroy immediately. Constantly volatile when exposed to static pointers. The white zone is for passenger loading and unloading only. Do you like gladiator movies? Content's under pressure. Restaurant package, not for resale. First pull up, then pull down. Call before digging. Driver does not carry cache. Auto pilot is engaged during flight. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Free software offer valid only at participating FTP sites. Slightly higher outside of the continental US. Allow four to six seconds for delivery. What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. Motor vehicles only. Actually, I am a mouse in the middle of an incredibly complicated plot to take over the world. This disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of Bob, misuse, neglect, repair, attempted modification, bugs in the code, damage from improper installation, incorrect line voltage, cosmic rays, missing or altered serial numbers, attempting to actually run the software, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, and incidents related to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, alien attack, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, winter storm warnings, forest fire, flying squirrels, verbal assaults, military takeovers, or house arrest. Other restrictions may apply. Your mileage may vary. This software is copynighted by Todd C++ Wilson. Say goodnight Gracey.